Of Fear and Dreams

I almost gave up my dream yesterday.

Laugh not. Its true.

I told myself — and a local photography studio — that I was not sure whether I want to be pursuing my own photography business. This photographer and I were discussing whether it would be a conflict of interest for me to help him out with marketing for his studio. And I almost convinced myself that I would never really be a photographer, so I should just give up now.

I tried to tell myself that I would be content if I just settled for being around a photographer and helping someone else grow their business.

What?

Really?

Did I actually just say that???!?!?!

In one set of emails, I almost gave up the one thing I want more than anything else. I almost compromised my ideals, my philosophy of photography, and my love for people — all because I am petrified that I will fail.

Yes, I’m scared. Terrified, in fact.

I can’t do this.

Its too big.

I love taking pictures, but there’s no way in the world that I will EVER be able to support myself doing this.

But [deep breath] … I have to ask: Where’s my dedication? My motivation? My passion for what I love? Am I really going to give up just because I had a lousy day and feel like a failure?

I told myself, and this photographer, that I didn’t really care whether my photography is ever my livelihood. “My main passion is for photography — developing my interest, honing my skills. The weddings and portraits I do are nice to help pay for the extra toys I like add to my photographic arsenal.”

I wrote it, I sent it, and then I thought about it.

Its not true.

Yeah, I’m scared. But I’m not going to let that stop me. I might never be the next Jasmine Star or Becker, but I can be Jenni Marie. And, more than that: I can be the best Jenni Marie in the world.

I won’t be helping this other photographer market his business. He made that decision before I had time to tell him to stop considering my marketing proposal.

Instead, I’m gonna be a photographer.
Me.
A photographer.
Its what I am.
I can’t deny it.

I don’t know where this will take me, but here I am.